Dear Generic Government Legislator:

I hate to sound dramatic, but this is a plea for reform. Car insurance reform. You’ve been able to make changes in the health care system via your health care deform – er, health care reform, and even in the credit card industry via the CARD Act. Next, you need to direct your attention to an industry that is simply begging for a government takeov- um, change: the car insurance industry.

Fortunately, I’ve got some great ideas on what can be done to make the system better and give affordable car insurance to all Americans!

Government Official, have you ever considered that pretty much everyone has to have car insurance to own an automobile? That’s a lot of people for you to put under your thum- I mean, put under the loving care and attention of Uncle Sam . For these people, the system appears to be broken, with no repair in sight. So, let’s buckle down here and come up with some ideas on how to change this.

GREAT IDEA #1: Cars with pre-existing accidents cannot be denied car insurance collision coverage.

What’s that saying about “There’s a first time for everything”? I can’t recall the exact quote, but I think it’s a bunch of doo-doo, for lack of a better word. If someone gets into an accident, it’s probably going to happen again. Unfortunately, I’ve got to share the road with some people that don’t know how to merge, cannot drive in the rain, or enjoy sending “mad LOLz” from their smartphones while driving and eating a cheeseburger.

So if you screw up while driving and total your car then just because you decided that you didn’t want to be responsible and buy car insurance before the car wreck doesn’t mean you can’t just apply for car insurance right after the wreck and then have the car insurance company pay for the damages, right?

I mean it’s only fair. We can’t let those mean car insurance companies go around and discriminate based on well – you know, if a car is drivable or not. So what if the owner wants to buy their car insurance after the wreck and then have the insurance company pay to fix the car?

All of these old fuddy duddies that think you have to buy insurance before something happens are the same type of people that say I should be responsible and buy health insurance before I have large medical bills or that I shouldn’t max out all of my credit cards – and what do they know right?

(I mean come on, being responsible and buying car insurance before you actually need it is just so pre- bailout thinking – I mean, why can’t they just get with the times? I personally own 6 houses that I purchased in 2005 with no money down and Uncle Sam is paying all 6 of my mortgages for me. Irresponsible is the new black.)

GREAT IDEA #2: Children age 26 and younger must be able to remain covered under a parent’s policy.

I’m going to start this one with a scenario-like situation. If, for example, little Bobby has failed his driving test 4 times, flunked out of school, and run over the mailbox – he should be eligible to stay under his parent’s car insurance policy, right?

Well, what if “little Bobby” is not so little? Say, 26 years old?

For car insurance purposes, children should be considered anyone age twenty six and under just like for health insurance purposes. Because, come on, who makes good decisions under that age, except for that dude who started Facebook? Brilliant decision right there.

If it is determined that you are under the age of 26 and make good decisions, fine, but for those that don’t (also called “the majority”), they should be covered by their parents’ car insurance policy.

So what if a 26 year old adul- er, child can smoke, drink, go to war, rent a car, get a tattoo, get plastic surgery, get a credit card, and get a student loan? If the health care reform bill says that children age 26 and under can stay on their parent’s health insurance policy then so should our car insurance reform bill (I say “our” car insurance reform bill because you will put my name on the bill, right?)

GREAT IDEA #3: Make all this junk simpler to understand.

I mean, come on – why use the term “deductible” when all that means is “money you gotta pay”? That sounds a whole lot simpler.

And why use so many words? The average person speaks several thousand words per day, yet the average car insurance policy contains tens of thousands of words, most of which will never be read. You know what? People like lists. How about you create lists out of these policies:

DO Pay your car insurance on time.

DO Have a valid driver’s license.

DO Have full coverage if your car is leased/loaned by a banking institution.

DON’T Let your coverage lapse, because we won’t cover you if there’s a problem.

DON’T Expect the insurer to pay for everything, that’s why there’s usually a “deductible.”

DON’T Be stupid while you are driving. That’s what we call “risky business” in the insurance industry.

Maybe you can make it a Top 10-type thing, and have a special guest count them down, like on Letterman. because let’s be honest here, just between you and me – you know that none of us is going to actually read what’s in whatever car insurance reform bill we come up with anyway (except for maybe some of those self righteous jerks at Fox News but that’s another story) – so shorter is better, right?

GREAT IDEA #4: Federally regulate car insurance.

As I’m sure you’re aware as an astute lawmaker, the car insurance industry is currently regulated by individual states. And being the “legal eagle” that you are, you know that U.S. states possess political powers in relation to the federal government, as guaranteed by the Tenth Amendment of the Bill of Rights.

I know that the health care reform bill didn’t do anything to allow more competition among state lines but maybe our car insurance reform bill can. After all, since I am free to roam in my car from state to state as I please, these state laws change. For example, Michigan is a “no-fault” state, meaning that accidents are covered by an insurance company, regardless who is at fault.

However, if I travel to a neighboring state, say Ohio (it’s for lovers – or is that Virginia?) or Indiana (the crossroad for America, I looked that up), no-fault laws don’t exist. How wack is that, Mr. Lawman? Why don’t we standardize some of the regulations in this here car insurance industry?

GREAT IDEA #5: Listen to me.

Here’s hoping we can continue this discussion. As you can tell, I’ve mirrored a lot of this from health care reform so since that went over so well – well, never mind. Anyway, we could really save some money on some of these ideas. That money could be better spent elsewhere to help our deflated – er, sagging economy. So please get back to me on when we can get started drafting this bill.

Lawmaker Responses So Far: